John Hartley Roberts – Now You are Gone

You are gone!

Life stands still,

Silence fills the space im in!

How do I describe this feeling of loss?

It feels heavy!

Confusion and questions fill my head,

I can’t function!

Feeling numb… just laying in my bed!

No real understanding of where you are!

Or how you felt when you took your last breath?

No real understanding of how brave you were when confronted by death!

Now you are gone!

I can’t hear your voice,

Silence fills that space!

Now you are gone!

I can no longer see your warm fatherly face!

I can’t ask you how you are..

as you are no longer here!

Just gone!

How do I describe this loss?

It’s a dichotomy of acknowledging life & death:

That tomorrow never comes!

That you are either asleep or awake,

That you experience joy or pain,

That you exist in either life or death!

There are no edges!

Loss is not tangible!

It’s a dark, dense, void.

Full of imaginings… hurt & pain!

Longing to see you; touch you; feel you; smell you; to talk to you again!

You are not here! 

Just gone!

This feeling of your loss fills all four corners of my heart, with the most suffocating pain!

My mind is like a machine full of memories… pressing play, pause, rewind, stop.. Over and over again!!

My emotions are stuck…

Moving between denial, acceptance, anger, and needing to understand!

Why have you gone? Why did you die?

Loss feels like a poisonous vine,

Wrapping around my brain!

Cutting off my blood & oxygen supply,

Turning me insane!

My heart grows heavy,

My body feels weak!

A constant cycle of eat, sleep, wake, repeat!

A feeling of loss!!

Dedicated to John Hartley Roberts 27/08/1938  to 21/04/2019

Forever in my heart!

Love Wendy 

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